Journal finds

I found this on my phone the other day as I sat and breastfed my little bear. I remember vaguely when I wrote it that I wanted to spend the day being thankful and full of gratitude and when I read it again now my smile was wide and my heart grew happy. And so it goes...

I love Rasmus because he is wise and honest. He knows things about the world that most people will never know. He is pure and he knows who he is to the deepest level. And yet underneath the burden of knowing the truth of the universe he is young and childish. He plays and lives as a child does, in the moment. Unlike me he sees time enjoyed as time well spent, even if it means spending the day in bed. I like to cross things off a list, and only then I am satisfied with my day. I have many things to learn from him but I think I can teach him too.

I love August because he is my exceptional baby boy. His smile is indescribable and warms me to the core. I could live off his smile. He loves church bells and dancing and he loves me unconditionally. I am beyond thankful for that. He has my temper and stubbornness and can't fall asleep without being wrapped in my arms. He has his father's rough playfulness. He is an experimenter but he is careful too and he is mine, for now.

I love my swollen belly because inside lies my unborn baby. I know nothing of this baby aside from movements and a strong heart beat. I am already in love and to be there at the beginning of a new life is inspiring and scary. Responsibility weighs heavy on me but it makes me better, it makes me think. I want to be happy and honest and inspiring to my children. I want them to feel loved and protected and yet free to live their own lives, to choose their own path.

***

Document your thoughts, they will come back to heal you, warm you and remind you of a time in life that was more beautiful than you understood.    

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A day in grey

Just a day, a normal day that we made into grey.

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Mornings in the wild

Wild things grow untamed and unhindered in the cool, moist air. Below the cabin, at the bottom of a rugged hill overlooking the world there is a gleaming blue lake. Still sometimes and reflecting the sky above, other times turbulent and angry like the ocean, it is magic. The blue water is surrounded by islands and a never ending forest. The mornings are white with a mist that engulfs all until the sun lights up the countryside, making the dew sitting heavy on the leaves, shimmer and the usually invisible spider webs, reveal their hidden resting places. Some mornings, after the white has gone and our path is cleared, we walk. The moss covered forest floor cushions our steps and we look for my favourite, golden mushrooms camouflaged underneath the yellowing leaves. Light leaks between the ancient trees making the branches glow. It is like something out of a fairy tale I heard as a child but it's real and it's now. We pause and stay silent, listening to the forest. The birds sing and my breath seems so loud but I don't want to muffle it. I want to inhale long and deep with cool, fresh air reaching my lungs. I expect August to yell into the silence but he is quiet and observant, fascinated just as we are.

Rasmus carries August on his chest. My growing belly makes it hard for me to wear the carrier now. We walk home and it takes longer than we expect. As usual we have wandered far. Our baby boy is asleep and hanging limp on Rasmus by the time we reach the cabin. We carefully undress him and lay his tiny body down under layers of warm blankets. With cold, stiff hands Rasmus and I make a fire in the sturdy, one hundred year old fire place and let the heat sink into our cold skin. We are lulled into a trance as we sit and gaze at the hypnotic flames lick the blackened chimney. Time moves quickly. When August wakes he sits content in my arms and reaches his little hand toward the glowing warmth of the flames, giggling when he feels the heat on his palm. Our morning has ended and the afternoon has come.

*

For those who haven't seen, here is a small interview I did for the wonderful blog and kind creator of barefoot and frolicking. 

                                                        
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Merike

It was rain, hail and then thunder that seemed to shake the whole planet. Lightning lit the grey sky and I shivered. It was one of those days to curl up safe under warm blankets and listen to the weather outside. This is the day I met Merike. 

After wam tea we set about shooting her designs for an exhibition the following day. A simple shoot but full of inspiration for me. I love to see other people's work and Merike's was beautiful, simple and bold. 

We edited the images while sipping juice out of fancy glasses and before long we were done and I was on my way home to my loves. It's still the beginning but I love my job.       

 

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The sky is falling.

I have found it hard to write about life here lately. Life has been stagnant aside from my wondrous child. When I think we were in Australia not much longer than six weeks ago I can barely believe myself. It feels as though we have been here for months. So much has happened and yet so little has happened too.

With a case of the Winter blues we are finally moving toward a new season and with it, a very new way of life. It's difficult to change when the cold is constant, especially when the snow is clinging to the ground, so I hope the weather will help us as the days become longer and the warmth of the sun reaches our skin, energizing us again.

We are reading, planning and discussing the future everyday. Ideas and plans are revealing themselves in our busy minds. We really don't know what will happen in the months to come. It excites me to think about it though, the possibilities seem endless and I'm looking forward to seeing some of these things come to fruition. We will have to wait and see and as they unfold I will write openly about them here.

So, with not much more to say for today, let me tell you a little story instead.

Her head was hot and heavy as the dark, cold walls seemed to grow together. Trapped like a spider in a jar there was no way out. In silent panic her eyes reached the window of dreams. A shining snow crystal caught her gaze and she watched it gently descend to its resting place on the frozen earth. Her fast beating heart slowed and a calmness seeped through her. She closed her eyes and her mind escaped the confineds of its body prison and reached to the wild outside, to the falling snow. A sea of whiteness immersed her. She looked up, the cold flakes grazing her soft skin as they fluttered silently downward. The white sky is falling she thought. And she smiled at the beauty and the tragedy of it all.

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Trapped in a perfect place, then happiness.

Today was one of the days where words poured freely from me but were tainted with bitterness and long lasting frustration. I have been feeling trapped here, now that we have been in our tiny home for Winter and I long for a big house with magical friends with wild dreams and a place to grow our food in the earth to fill our bellies with its goodness. I am slowly making what I want in life, turning my crazy ideas into reality and sometimes that is crushing, somedays I am uninspired and wonder if my head is just in the clouds. There are sleepless nights and constant criticisms mostly from within then the joy and excitement of it all comes rushing back in as if it had never gone. That it the beauty of it. Nothing would be worth the struggle and pain if what was waiting at the end wasn't spectacular. So I will continue with my head as high as I can lift it and when I get met with blows I will fight back.

Instead of frustration and bitterness I am letting go and filling myself with gratitude of all the things I have in life now. I will dive back into my dream world and make them all real because I can. I hope you will too.

And now here is a photo I took the other day because taking photos is what I do these days.

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Quiet nights with a friend

Days are loud and busy with an eager little boy keeping me forever busy and life happens everywhere. There are things to get done before the dark creeps in, before the city calms and babies sleep. Nights are when my head spins with ideas and my heart pounds with excitment at all the possibilities in life. Sleep is then impossible to reach. This is the time my camera becomes my distraction and we play together until my pounding heart slows and my pillow calls and I crawl into the comfort of my big bed, warm from my sleeping boys and I sleep, my imagination running wild.

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