Monday, 6 May 2013

Honesty in suburbia

I have been working on a post for a little while now but just as I was about to share it with the world I decided to keep it secret. It was personal and honest and a little grim and it made me think of the things I am actually sharing here. My life is on view to others and it is my choice but when I'm safe and hidden away with nothing but my own thoughts I forget that so many others will see that part of me too. Rasmus reads my words carefully each time and sometimes he looks at me and asks me not to share. He tells me that those are our own moments and that he wants to keep them that way, so I do and I will share this instead...

Each day seems to end before it starts. August is taking up every second of my time. His mind is busy and full of new things and he gets easily frustrated when his little body can't keep up so he throws himself to ground, hitting his poor little head over and over on the cold floor and cries. I go to bed feeling exhausted and guilty for not having worked on anything else all day. The house is a mess more often than not and only a few things I want to do get done. In the end it doesn't matter though. Each day I'm learning to accept the busyness and chaos of motherhood and I'm so glad that I'm putting my heart and soul into our little wonder baby. He matters most, and when I look at him I can tell that he feels safe and loved and that makes me happier than anything else. A few weeks earlier he took his first steps and each day he's walking a little further. It has given me more joy than I can possibly say and he glows with new found pride as we clap our hands and hug him tightly. Those moments when the three of us are together, loving, laughing, are dreamy and warm and they will be the images that fill my mind when I think back to his cozy baby days.

Rasmus and I are getting itchy feet and are dreaming of adventures together with August in some new place. I am already counting down the days when we can leave suburban life behind for a while and feed our inner explorers. There is so much of the world that I want to share with our sweet baby.

I left the job that was patiently waiting for my return and in the hour or two I can spare each day I will work on my photography instead. It seems hard to think of doing anything else now, even though I'm just at the beginning. It will be hard to get work here and it might take time but I'm determined and I know I can do it. I'm relieved that I have that strength in me even if it subsides sometimes and waves of doubt rush over me. Some days it seems impossible and then something changes and I realise it's so very possible and it makes my heart sing. 

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  1. Although we only ever spent a morning together, I enjoy reading your words and feel a special kinship as a fellow young mother making a life in a country not her own.

    It can be difficult to be honest, especially in a public forum, and sometimes even to ourselves, but I applaud your ability to voice the words that so many other mother's can only think.

    It is great to be a young mother as you have the energy to keep up with your little one, but it can also be a challenge to devote your life to someone else before you've had the chance to grow into yourself.

    It is inspiring that you are committed to pursuing your vocation and that you are able to carve out small moments in a day to do what you love.
    Keep writing and snapping -- you're a true talent.


  2. Lovely words too Sacha. I agree.