This sweet cherub of a toddler sits calm and comfortable on my lap, his arm swaddled around my back and his head leaning slightly on my shoulder. He is heavy now and I can feel his chubby belly squish a little under my fingers. He sits still as I write this and watches his cartoon on the computer. I glance at him every few seconds because I can't believe how exquisite he is and how lucky I am to have him sitting so comfortably on me, safe and relaxed because he knows me so well, because he knows he is loved.
His small, dirty feet dangle closely together and then cross over each other in the most perfect, imperfect way. The skin on his legs is a little dry and there are bruises and tiny scratches from his daily expeditions. His eyes are wide as he watches the colour dance across the computer screen and his tiny mouth pouts in concentration. He senses my observation and I sense his irritation, if only a little, at my long gazes distracting him. He ignores it though and leaves me in my contemplative state a while longer. I am thankful and love him even more for it.
We have been pondering our parenthood late at night, Rasmus and I, when it's just the two of us awake and the silence gives us time for our thoughts to form. We shared tears as we lay side by side fully realising the incredible and delicate life of our child, the fear that the fragility of his tiny life could be injured or ended with us to continue on as we were. It is a fear that I expected to bear but never did I think it would weigh so heavy on me, that I could love so deeply. And despite this anxiety, I am amazed, utterly amazed that a tiny, fragile being could be so strong, so forgiving and so understanding. My baby has shown me compassion beyond his understanding and forgiven me over and over again without question or hesitation and mostly when I didn't deserve it. He sat still and quiet on the days I cried and made magical the days I was glad. August lay asleep on my chest as we pondered and my tears fell slowly into his soft hair. How I felt is indescribable now. Words cannot do it justice.
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