Tuesday, 29 October 2013

And the world turns yellow

Life moves quickly and slowly at the same time. Some days fly by and are filled with loveliness and other days are slow and grey. From inside I watch the rain roll down the windows as if they're weeping, making the outside world blurry. I'm impatient on those days, we all are, so we dream and hug and cook and play, taking long showers together and playing chasee or catch with our restless toddler. He takes my hand sometimes and leads me on long trails through the house, looking back at me every now and then to check if I'm paying attention as we walk. We live in our own tiny world to distract ourselves until the outdoors is more inviting or we're forced out by necessity.

My little bump is growing bigger now and I long for the warmth again so soon, mostly so my belly could grow in pretty summer dresses as I spend the days outside with August lying in the grass and eating freshly picked berries. Those warm times already seem so distant and there is a long Winter ahead. My summer dreams will have to wait.

We have been living in our new town for seven weeks but it feels as though we have have been here forever. I like being here, in a small place, near nature and near the things we need most. I recognize faces on the street now and I watch as neighbours chitchat over their back fences or in the stores. Life is simpler and people know one and other. It reminds me of my home town, so far away. It's strange to see the familiar things in such an unfamiliar place.

Despite the cold now, the days spent outdoors are the best. We light fires, take long walks in the forest and go skinny dipping in the freezing water. I feel alive and fresh and deeply fulfilled on those days. I lay on my coat on the damp grass after returning from a forest adventure one day. August wanders around me, picking newly fallen apples off the ground and eating them as he goes. The sky is blue and the trees are glowing, almost on fire. They are blood red and golden like the sun. I stay still on the grass and take photos from my resting place before Rasmus steals my camera and takes photos of me instead. I hide behind my hands, a little self conscious as usual.

Since Rasmus and I have been together we've had a tendency to be reserved and shy, hiding from new people because to be together has always been enough. Lately though, we have tried to break our ways and make new friends. My camera has been sitting unused as we spend time with the beautiful, new people we've met. I long so much to capture every moment especially as August connects with the new children we've encountered. He plays, cautiously and reserved at first and then he gives in to his fascination, gently touching their small, fresh faces in wonder or patting them gently as if they were magical creatures. It pains me not to record such moments but I soak them in with all my love until the memories are deeply ingrained. As August settles he becomes confident and loud forgetting his reservations and his carefulness. He becomes his own person then, it's both wonderful and terrifying to see him grow so much, to see him spread his wings. It pulls me from my motherhood bubble. I often forget that my life needs to continue on too, that just like August I have to spread my wings and follow my dreams. I have been putting life on hold because that's what's seemed easiest or maybe it was for fear of missing him grow but now I realise that I need to give him space, if only a tiny bit, to let the wider world in for both his sake and mine. I admire those that do this so seamlessly, for me it will take time.

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