This has been a week of swirling hormones, tears, entire days spent feeling hopeless in bed and Rasmus, my sweet boy Rasmus, being beautiful and perfect and taking care of me and our baby. I have been trapped in my bed, my self made prison and refused to leave. I have been selfish and stubborn and tears have poured down my cheeks for hours in between my long naps that make the sun rise and fall outside my window, almost unnoticed and unnaturally quickly. Rasmus has rested ready to eat meals on my lap, laid his calming, loving hands on me and gently kissed my wet face as I lay in darkness wrapped in grief. He has fed and dressed and loved our son as I am having internal battles with myself in the lonely bedroom, a world away.
August is asleep by my feet now. I can hear his little breaths as he dreams his sweets dreams. I am weary with guilt and more sadness that I have been so hopeless the last days, that I have not given him the love he deserves. I can only hope that my mind clears and I can live without this sadness haunting me soon. It hit me so suddenly, with luck it will leave just as suddenly. I know, by the time I share these words my spirits will have lifted again.
We have so much work to do now. So much to sell and pack and clean. In a week we are leaving the big city of islands and moving to the far side of Sweden. Our pile of belongings narrow each day and I'm glad to see it go. It gives me a sense of relief to empty our life of unwanted, unneeded things and only keep what means the most, the beautiful memory filled objects from our past. We sell our furniture one item at a time, helping fill our empty pockets, much needed to pay our way to the other side of the country.
There is something romantic and exciting about living like this, barely making ends meet, the thought of moving away to start all over. I feel like a girl gypsy on young adventures. In a sense, that's what we are, or that's what we are becoming.
I need this newness in life, the last months have been highs and low lows. I need a reality check, I need to be thrown back into the world that I seem to be forgetting and change, work on myself and the happiness of my little, growing family. I forget that this life I live will only come once and that I need to immerse myself in its wonders. There is no time for the sadness I've felt especially because I am so blessed. But maybe sadness is a part of growing, a part of my ever-changing hormones as my body creates a new life and as I continue living mine. I think this has played an immense role in the last months. It feels nice to know that now, it means I'm not going crazy, I'm just pregnant. I just never expected my being to change so much. It's reassuring that all this won't last forever and will result in something so beautiful.
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