Rasmus put August to sleep tonight, I felt a strange sense of freedom from the lack of this small privilege I experience each evening. I usually fall asleep with him, his tiny arms wrapped around my neck and our hot cheeks pressed together closely, entwined as always. As August slips into his dreams with his loving papa it gives me a rare moment of silence in our always busy house, so I write.
We have been busy, chaotically trying to organise our lives, busy making food and playing games and kissing sore spots after falls at the park. Life is all colour and lately so much brighter. Being parents to our beautiful baby is growing into something more beautiful each day.
And then, amongst all of life's disorder something magical is happening. I have barely allowed myself to believe. Deep inside of my life bearing womb, a small baby is growing. Safe and tiny she or he develops, already able to sense the brightness from the waiting outside world and to feel our loving caress. I feel a warmth growing from inside me, an impossible yet familiar warmth of creating life, of becoming a mother all over again.
Everything is new. I eagerly watch my belly grow and wait impatiently for the first flutters of movement to arrive. We dream of our two children meeting for the first time. The first tender kisses August will place on his new sibling as he wonders where mama's big belly has gone. We will have a new, tiny human to love with all our hearts, to teach, to observe, to nurture into a beautiful being. It feels impossible still to love another as much as I love August but love can only grow, just as our tiny family will.
Tears come easily to me now. After long weeks of sickness I was feeling worn and tender but I'm already a mother so these feelings pass quickly out of necessity rather than want and I continue on because I have to. A tired haze washes over me several times a day, I dream of melting into my soft bed and being enveloped by the cool sheets, giving in to my fatigue. More often than not August makes the hard days brighter, making sport of the mornings with my head in the toilet sick and tired, he would lean over too and pretend to vomit just like mama. It always made me giggle, no matter how ill I felt.
Motherhood has transformed me so much already. I am still me, just Alyx, but I have grown, I have learned and mostly I have loved more than I ever thought possible. But motherhood is a journey of life-giving selflessness and passion that will be as strong as it is today until the day I take my last breath. And when my children grow to bring new life into the world I hope I will have taught them, if anything, the divine gift, the pain and overwhelming joy being a parent is and to savour it with every fibre in their sublime hearts.
I am happy, happy that I found such powerful, all consuming love in my life. I am filled with an indescribable joy to think that the boy I love and I have created a life and with that, a beautiful newness that exists only in our child and the tiny creature flourishing inside me. We cannot wait to meet our new baby. There is so much joy to come!