Friday, 5 April 2013

Easter again

After long train trips and large meals with family we napped in the light of the warming afternoons and played with August in between our lazy sleepiness. It was calm in the town, away from the big city. The melting snow on the ground was inviting and we took long walks with our friends. Despite my clumsiness Rasmus and I even went skiing across the still frozen lake lying at the bottom of the town. The ice moaned and cracked beneath us and Rasmus laughed warmly each time I found myself falling to the ground in a frenzy of un-coordination and panic. Hours were spent outside of the house, August playing eagerly with his grandparents as they sat in the sun for never-ending coffee breaks. It was bliss and time stood still.

One night after friends had visited, we went into town and before long I found myself dancing in an underground recordning studio to music I hadn't heard before with a blur of faces I knew and also many I didn't. I danced wildly and thought of nothing, only my sleeping baby now and then and hoped that all was well, trying to tell myself that to be away from him was OK even if I didn't really believe myself. There are strange moments like these where I return to being some crazy young thing where I stop being a mother for a moment and pretend. I always thought that when you became a mother something changed, that you looked different in some way. But when I was dancing there, in the middle of the night, I wondered how anyone could know that there is a tiny, new person dependent on me, that this dancing girl was a mother to a fragile baby and I don't know why but I felt so special then, like I had this beautiful and precious secret and two different lives that were both full of excitement for such different reasons.

When we were called home because August had woken I almost ran. The switch from crazy to mother had gone off and all I wanted was my baby in my arms. When I walked inside a sad little face greeted me, arms outstretched towards his mama. I took him quickly and put him to my breast. His cries were replaced with deep long breaths and I stroked his head as he eagerly drank. He slept wrapped in my arms, warm and close and I fell asleep too feeling his tiny breath against me.

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