Monday, 6 January 2014

A new year

It's New Year's day. I stand in the shower with the hot water pouring over my cold body. August sits comfortably on my fully grown belly. His little hands lie on my chest and he turns them slowly looking at the drops trickle down the creases in his fingers. I smile at his perfect nose and dark, long eye lashes as he observes the trickles with concentration.

I'm glad the year has ended. I close my eyes and enjoy the steamy warmth. I'm washing the past away and although nothing has changed I feel renewed. It's a relief after the hardest year of my life so far.


As midnight came we ran out on the cold streets and watched the neighborhood erupt as a myriad of fireworks exploded from backyards around us. August gazed to the sky laughing and Rasmus pulled me to him and kissed me long and hard. That moment was perfect, lips locked with my lover and my baby boy warm in my arms. We stayed outside for a long time admiring the glittery bangs bidding the old year farewell. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time and the past and future faded from my mind.

Although a new year has begun there is still so much unfinished. Our baby will arrive within the month and we have just moved to a new home, a tiny attic with a beautiful old key that unlocks our mysterious front door at the top of the stairs. We live like secrets from the past locked away in our little space. It is tiny and cosy and it makes me happy. Each morning I find myself being drawn to the window that overlooks the town below. We are still unpacking, slowly organising the boxes we quickly filled when we were still living in Stockholm. It's been exciting with a tint of nostalgia to rediscover the forgotten treasures from earlier times. 

Now we wait. An eternity fills every day making the time pass so slowly and the days blur into one and other. As each day comes I cross the one before off a calendar, like a child desperately waiting for Christmas. I am anxious but filled with longing and excitement too. How wonderfully tormenting and beautiful life can be all at once. 

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