The last two years I have been lost. Since the age of five I thought I was going to be a dancer in some form or another and that was how I portrayed myself to myself and to others. When I stopped and that part of me was no longer there I was at a loss as to what I was, who I was. For so long I was Alyx the dancer and so quickly it became Alyx the umm I don't know actually. It was scary. Being a performer was something special and made me stand out, at least that's how it felt. I didn't want to turn into a 'normal' person. I have always had big dreams that didn't include dance but they were always pushed to the side every time I took a step up the frighteningly tall ladder of becoming a professional dancer. These other aspirations reappeared after I moved to Sweden but the sudden possibility of doing anything I wanted to was confusing and everyday I would concoct some new, big, life changing plan. By the end of the day it changed again and the vicious cycle continued. If dreaming could ever be a bad thing it was then. I reverted into my head and there I lived. Inactive in my actual life which was made easier by a lack of goals, hobbies and an almost non existent network of close friends in an alien part of the world. There I have sadly remained for quite enough time. Thankfully, stubbornness and a blatant refusal to give up kept me here and kept me hopeful so now, finally, life is urging me to push forward. What has felt like two years tainted with stagnation and frustration during some of what should have been the best years of my life, I have been struck with a tremendous drive to make something of myself. To enjoy, love and create everyday.
*As difficult as the last two years have been I have been grateful everyday for Rasmus who is best described as my soul mate and to my little boy who has opened my eyes to a new world of possibility and view of life. My family has also been wonderful as well as the kindness of the few friends I have made. It has been a necessary and life changing experience and one I will not easily forget.